If you’re up all night with a newborn, why not try these activities | Ben Jenkins

HaCongratulations on your new bob. If you’re anything like us, your newborn is keeping you busy, busy, busy and waking up, waking up, waking up at night! Completely normal, these sleepless nights can take their toll, but it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom.

Read the first paragraph of a novel 70 times

Calling all bookworms! Think of those long waking nights as an opportunity to indulge in a book. Whether it’s one of the classics, contemporary literature, or a refreshing beach read, while you desperately rock your baby to sleep and squint absent-mindedly at the first paragraph of a great book, Take time for yourself. Read it again in 5 minutes. If you don’t have a novel on hand, you may have trouble understanding the words written on the formula tin many times in the half light of your kitchen.

Being a parent doesn’t mean you don’t have to keep up with the outside world. Pop a bab on your chest, pick up your phone, fire up Twitter and get up to date with the views of the sickest people on the planet. It is very important to keep your mind active during this time. So keep your brain running, mindlessly racking your brain about the thoughts of people you would actively avoid if you saw them on the street until the phone slipped out of your hand and fell into your newborn’s phone. Faces when they start to calm down.

Think plastic material to keep your 4-year-old from waking up in the morning and screaming

Midnight is a good time to do work for yourself, but it’s also important to remember the needs of others.

For example, yesterday my four-year-old son, who was having trouble coping with his brother’s arrival, asked me what plastic was made of and I said “oil” because I heard it on a podcast. Then he asked, “What does that mean?”, after which you realize you really don’t know what that means, but you were getting too deep into it, so you kind of shyly said, “Oil.” I tweeted. In your opinion this seemed a little unfair but of course this isn’t really about what the plastic is made of but because you and his mother ruined his life. You can use your time to try to understand what exactly polymerization is and how best to explain it to a four-year-old who hates you.

Look at the baby and mutter strange things

Take a moment to look at your brand new babu and mutter to yourself that mumbling on public transport could make people turn away from you. is one such thing you can whisper in the dark while looking at your baby. “A life without anything” is another. There are no rules on what you can tweet, but a good guide is, “Would Ralph Fiennes the Red Dragon shout this to someone stuck in a wheelchair?” If the answer is yes, please tweet.

go ape

Going medically insane is a must for parents of newborns. Going cuckoo banana in your head is a great way to pass the time during those long sleepless nights. Whether you want to stare silently into the abyss, write a series of threatening letters to the zoo, or easily convince yourself that you’ve invented a new number, slip seamlessly into a state of exquisite madness over time. I can. An elite, decadent mentality formerly reserved for syphilitic kings.

Find out if babies can go to jail for this

Unfortunately, a baby’s inability to sleep, despite being gently wrapped in a cuddly swaddle and singing non-stop between 3:30 a.m. and 5:00 a.m., is prohibited by current state or federal law. not breaking the law. But searching Google for “sue baby no sleep” or “baby court for bad baby” can be a fun, cathartic distraction.

do not sleep

Doctors and cowards generally recommend people get 7 hours of sleep a night, but that doesn’t take into account having a baby. A noise loud enough to humble the ears of God. If you’re feeling left out of the “sleep club,” think about the celebrities who slept very little and yet achieved great accomplishments. Ignore the fact that the most famous of them is Margaret Thatcher.

Come up with fun ways to fake your own death

Twenty walks around the living room trying to make soothing ocean noises, instead sounding like a steam train built by Satan.Various ways to fake your own death and escape to the beachside run of Aruba. A bar serving cold beer has given you the affectionate nickname of ‘the babyless man’ in the local dialect.

Understand that you will die for this in a mixture of joy and fear.

If you’ve exhausted this list but still need to do something, why not experience an earth-shattering epiphany? Take a moment and see them in action. The architect of all your misery lies in your arms, looking more like a magical frog than a human. Come on this weird little thing.

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